What Is “Too Nice?”

Here’s something I’ve been chewing on for about 8 months. Late last year, a lifelong friend, when talking about jobs and life said to me . . .

“If I can give you some advice, and don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes I think you’re too nice.”

This came from a friend. Someone I’ve known my whole life. So it kinda rattled me. I didn’t react (maybe that’s part of “too nice”). I just said, “hmmmmm. That’s interesting.”

I have to admit, in the moment, it was all I could do not to respond with an “F you” and start telling him all the weird, bizarre things about him and explain to him that while he has more money than me and using career as the only “success metric”, fine, but I was also biting my tongue and not telling him why he has so few friends and a failed marriage and why I had to apologize for his oddities back in our youth because people would ask, “why are you friends with that guy?” Or, “can we not invite so-and-so this time?”

I was nice to my friend back then (30 years ago) and I guess, because I didn’t say anything when he said I was “too nice” … maybe I’m still being nice, today.

Then, just this week, writer/coach Matthew Dicks wrote about being “nice.” He said…

If “nice” is one of the first words someone uses to describe you? Forget it. You’re probably a stupid or foolish person.

Now, Matthew Dicks is a humorist and sometimes writes to elicit a reaction, so I take his opinion on this matter with a grain of salt.

What’s wrong with “nice?” Would it be better to be called “kind?” Here’s a whole list of synonyms for “nice” . . .

• enjoyable
• pleasant
• pleasurable
• agreeable
• delightful
• satisfying
• gratifying
• acceptable
• to one’s liking
• entertaining
• amusing
• diverting
• marvelous
• good
• bonny
• couthy
• irie
• lovely
• great
• neat
• lekker
• mooi
• subtle
• fine
• precise
• exact
• accurate
• strict
• close
• careful
• meticulous
• rigorous
• scrupulous
• ultra-fine

I also like “nice” when used as an exclamation, as in . . .

Person 1: “I just scored a pair of front row tickets to see Weezer”
Person 2: “Nice!”

Alternatives include “noice” and “niiiiiiiiiiiice.”

It’s ugly out there. Nasty at times. What’s wrong with “nice?”

Nothing, that’s what.

Not sure if you noticed, but we elected a President whose whole thing was “not nice …ever.” I’m not saying that to get Political, but it’s symptomatic of a society where everybody wants to have the last word, knock someone down, point out failures and weaknesses, and slam dunk on each other.

Truthfully, I’ve spent a lifetime trying to learn to be more nice. It doesn’t come naturally. Trust me. Often my instincts are, when I’m hurt or threatened, is to lash out.

But I don’t want to be that way.

I get it … “too nice” can mean a person is a pushover. The “pushover” label is a sliding scale, too. For example … come to my house, drink all my beer, leave a mess, break something, and say terrible things? I’ll wait and wish for you to leave and never invite you back. Conversely, say something mean to me, about me, or about someone I care about and behave in a way I think is cruel and hurtful toward another person … oh, believe me, I don’t bite my tongue.

Nice is nice. We should all be nicer to each other. Hold doors. Say please and thank you. Listen to each other and respect each other’s opinions.

You know who was nice? My Mom. My Grandmother. My Uncle Jerry. Mother Theresa.

What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? If the *first* thing people say about me at my funeral is “Don was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known” . . . if they say that? I won! It’ll mean I went about life better than many, many people.

I was at a funeral once, and everyone who stood up and talked about the guy that died all said something like, “so-and-so was never shy about telling you what was on his mind,” or, “I feel bad for all the people that caught so-and-so on a bad day.”

It was tough to listen to and I remember thinking, “sad.”

Being a jerk is easy. Complaining is weak. Dwelling on the negative is damaging.

Anyone can be an asshole. Some of the biggest assholes I know are assholes without even trying.

I call that “damaged.” As in, what happened to you in your life that your instinct is to be nasty, mean, and angry?

Plus, you never know what’s going on in someone else’s world … so why not try and be nice to everyone. Sure, I hate the guy-on-his-phone in front of me at the checkout counter not paying attention and holding up the line and can think, “that idiot just can’t stop talking on the phone … what’s SOOOOOO important?” Or the person at a red light who is obviously on his (or her) phone and many seconds go by and finally they realize the light is green. I *could* honk and flip them off and tell everyone who I hit the gas, drove in front of them, and cut them off.

But isn’t there always a possibility that both those people got fired in the last couple of hours? Or had to make a decision about an aging parent? Or they have a kid “going through something” and they could use a break and a little grace?

Grace. That’s nice. Benefit of the doubt. That’s nice. Patience. That’s nice, too.

So, I’m just gonna keep being “nice” and work on being “nicer” every day.

Nice is good. Nice is difficult. Nice doesn’t come naturally all the time. Let’s. Be. Nice.