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Do you ever think we live in a world where we dwell on the importance of things that aren’t really important? I’m about to Blog about two competing underwear brands, and I’ve Blogged about pillows and headphones, and I get obsessed with these things. I can’t help but think of my father, father-in-law, their fathers, and their fathers before them. Somehow the “greatest generation” and generations previous to them without fancy generational names managed to raise families, hold jobs, and build the world and they didn’t have space-age memory foam mattresses to sleep on, their pillows had feathers and they slept on them for decades at a time, and their underwear was white and tight. That’s all there was. If you came across a time machine and zapped yourself back to 1972, I’m pretty sure you would only find white underwear.
Why underwear? Mainly to protect our good clothes from the worst part of our body. That’s all underwear is and was ever invented for. It’s a liner that goes under our clothes that protects our “outer” garments.
Then models in the 80s looked hunky in underwear, someone thought boxers was a good idea, Victoria shared her secret with the world, and now we’re obsessed.
Well, I’m obsessed, anyway.
This Blog is going to compare my Costco-bought cotton Hanes, my Tommy John‘s that someone bought for me, and Frigo Revolutionwear Coolmax Stretch Collection. I got for free as a promotional giveaway.
*** If my father-in-law knew I just wrote that last sentence, he might ask for his daughter’s hand back and force our divorce ***
Hanes Boxer Briefs from Costco – I think even Clint Eastwood’s cowboy characters weren’t savage enough to deny the boxer-brief is far superior to a classic flowing boxer or tight mini briefs. We all use electricity and we don’t kill our own food, so some level of evolution is acceptable. They’re cotton. They’re soft. The boxer-brief design means they go down the leg a little bit. You can get 12 in a pack so laundry only gets to be desperate every two weeks(ish). But if you happen to be doing something that makes you sweat, you’re going to feel like you’re wearing a crotch sweater. Going to back to my thought on why underwear exists in the first place (to protect your outer wear), the Hanes boxer brief serves its purpose and doesn’t cost very much. If you’re playing a vigorous sport (which nobody really does after age 25), wear a supporter. For less than $30, you’ll have underwear covered for years (I think my current collection of Hanes might be 8 years old or more). Hanes Boxer Briefs from Costco, Walmart, or Target are ‘good enough’ and your life will be just fine. And I think even my 77-year-old father-in-law and my 90-year-old neighbor would wear them.
Frigo Revolutionwear – If I didn’t already own a pair of Tommy John underwear, I would be declaring this the best pair of underwear I’ve ever worn (even if I think their nut-sack flap …my word …doesn’t do anything). Frigo underwear is why old dudes look at us young dudes (I’m not quite 44 years old so I’m still going to categorize myself as “young” so shut up) and laugh and call us soft. This underwear is so high-tech, the website has a “how to wear” tutorial, boasts the personal-fit technology, and guarantees you’ll love them or they will refund your money. Underwear. We’re talking about underwear. Just watch this video!!! Wow!!!
All laughter aside, and if you can refrain from thinking of my hairy Dad-bod stuffed in those, these Frigos are a very comfortable pair of underwear. This next part is difficult to write, but I’m ashamed to admit the Frigo Zone (TM) Netted Pouch doesn’t seem to do much. It’s supposed to hug and hold the you-know-whats, and there are straps and buttons to adjust it to my unique needs, but I think if I cut that netted pouch out, I’d still love the Frigo Revolutionwear. What I really like, and I won’t be wording this right, is the silicone (might be rubber) piping around the bottom of the legs that hold the underwear in place so the legs don’t ride up as you move around throughout the day. When I first saw this rubber strip, I thought it would pull the hair on my legs like crazy, but it didn’t.
Bottom line, I would probably buy another pair, but the $36 price tag (per pair) will make it something I ask for on Father’s Days, birthdays, and Christmas when you ask for non-essentials like $36 underwear. Oh, and I will almost definitely order a Frigo Coolmax T-Shirt because I’ve suddenly become obsessed with my t-shirt collection and widdling it down to just under 20 shirts, and fewer logos. But, here too ….$48 price tag = special occasion.
Now we come to the life-changing underwear – the Tommy John Second Skin Boxer Brief. I don’t know where the human race is headed, but if the human race (the men, at least) were to all at once make a 100% transition to Tommy John Second Skin Boxer briefs, there would be no more war, no arguing, and the Pope could retire because he wouldn’t have to campaign for peace, love, forgiveness, and mercy. I regret only having one pair because I’m only amazed once every couple of weeks on laundry day. This underwear is so incredible, on normal ho-hum days, I move it aside and wear Hanes from Costco because I feel like I should only break out the Tommy Johns on special occasions or when I have a big meeting, interview, or sales pitch. Even men 70+ who might grumble and ask, “isn’t it just underwear, whadda hell does it matter about my underwear, that’sa problem with the, what do they call them, Manila …no …Millenables …they worry so much about their underwear and mattresses, they oughtta worry about getting a job and saving. I fought in two wars.”
Ah, old people. Imagine how much better they’d have fought in those wars with underwear like Tommy John. Just sayin’.
What’s so great, you ask? Basically, if you’ve read this far you might go back to the beginning to remember I said for decades and decades cotton briefs were enough. Hey, we once lived without microwaves and we had ice chests instead of Freon powered refrigerators. We read books by candlelight.
We evolved and when you wear Tommy John underwear you will notice a difference. It’s like walking around all day in cheap shoes versus well crafted, well-designed shoes. You notice at the end of the day. It’s like wearing a Columbia parka in the middle of February in Michigan and realizing the technology rated to -40 is working. Sometimes, you get what you pay for, and if you spring for the $37 Second Skins, you’ll notice. It’s like it’s not even there, and yet it’s totally there.
In conclusion, upgrading your underwear is wholly unnecessary and my religion and faith tell me if I have $30+ to spend on a single pair of underwear, I really should be giving more to charity. However, my American consumerism compels me, at times, to spend money on things I don’t need and if your American consumerism flares up, these high-end underwear options are as good as any. We wear underwear every day, keep the same pairs around for years and years, so why not do it in style and feel great if the option’s available.
If I was a real Blog, I would offer you a discount code or “free pair” if you share this Blog, but nope …I just like write.
Thanks for reading.
This was funny. I have to admit, I don’t have an underwear “thing” but could probably write a similar blog post on bras…
Keeps life in perspective.