DAD STUFF, PART 3: WORD PLAY AND REMEDIES FOR QUARANTINE BOREDOM

This is an irresponsible Blog post with only about 45% accurate information. Nonetheless, I’ll touch on three things…

  1. New words and phrases born of the global pandemic
  2. All remedies and prevention methods I’ve seen (and am employing)
  3. Creative things to do during quarantine
New Words and Wordplay

As I write this (March 20th, 2020), we’re about 8-days into the quarantine work-from-home era. Actually, it’s day-6 (in Michigan). I say this because last Friday I spent the entire day in the office, and so did all my co-workers. On Sunday night (March 15th), I decided I should stay home “for a day or two” and my amazing bosses agreed, and by Monday evening, my company ordered everyone to stay home if they had any “non-essential” roles that could only be done in the building.

Point being …not even a week ago, I didn’t have some of these words and phrases in my vocabulary and I’d never thought of how to survive a pandemic. Now? I’m an expert and the following, exhaustive lists come from posting a few things on Facebook and collecting all the comments as pure fact. Print this out and put it on your fridge.

  • Self-Quarantine – a person’s decision to isolate themselves because they’ve been sick, around someone who traveled, traveled themselves, or have compromised health
  • Social Distancing – keeping away from people
  • Shelter-In-Place – I guess it means “stay inside”, which is kinda what Michiganders do throughout February every year

The next phenomenon, and I’m amused by it, is wordplay around “quarantine” and I wonder how many of these will be in Webster’s Dictionary by the end of 2020?

  • QuaranTUNES – songs with a theme of illness or isolation (think “Toxic” by Britney Spears, “One” by Metallica, or the anthem “All By Myself”
  • QuaranTEENS – teenagers dealing with social isolation, no school, no sports, and for seniors dealing with no prom or commencement
  • QuaranTIME – the phenomenon of time going sooooooo slow while staying at home as much as possible
  • QuaranTINI – a vodka martini you drink alone in your house
  • QuaranTEARS – the tears you cry when you find yourself very, very sad about the situation
  • QuarantTV – the shifting of viewing habits and shows that are finding huge audiences while everyone has lots and lots of extra time to watch new shows
  • Quarantinians – the generation that will be born 9 months from now
  • Quarantantrum – my wife and I, and my kids with each other, and me and my teen daughter, and my wife and our teen daughter, and me and my dog, and me and my wife …did I already list that one …multiple times each day because there IS NO ESCAPE and the house is suddenly very, very small
  • Quarantine (long i) – the person you choose to be with when we go on mandatory lockdown. eg: “Won’t you be my Quarantine?”
  • Quarantinos – all moodily violent films that have outbreak plot lines made over the next 8 weeks

Prevention Tips from Old Wives

My favorite remedies and health-tips are always those that come via “old wives”. If you’re young and aren’t familiar with an “old-wives tale”, it’s…

Old wives’ tale – Description   
An old wives’ tale is a supposed truth which is actually spurious or a superstition. It can be said sometimes to be a type of urban legend, said to be passed down by older women to a younger generation. Such tales are considered superstition, folklore or unverified claims with exaggerated and/or inaccurate details.
In normal life, these are things like chicken noodle soup cures the common cold. Or how you “feed a fever, starve a cold.”
For Coronavirus, I’m employing all of the following
  • Wash hands for 20-seconds, and do it every 30-minutes
  • Drink water every 20-minutes (it washed the virus out of the throat)
  • Don’t touch mouth, nose, eyes, or ears – the only way for the virus to get in your body is through an orrifice
  • Drink alcohol (vodka works best) – similar idea as drinking water …this thing all incubates in your throat.
  • Gargle (saltwater or Listerine)
  • Isolate and Shelter-in-Place
Fun Things to do During Quarantine (this list is going to be evolving)
  • Game night with other families using Houseparty App (but there are other apps)
  • Prank calls (kids-these-days don’t know what a prank call is)
  • Card games (almost nobody plays cards anymore)
  • Charades (another game nearly lost to time)
  • Movies, movies, movies (I know, everyone is already doing this …but try some classics)
  • Bake cookies
  • Try new recipes
What am I missing? Leave comments with more stuff.

Dad Stuff, Part 3: Schrodinger’s Cat and Coronavirus Response

I think we’re living through a real-life Schrodinger’s Cat scenario. But first…

There are only two types of conversations about the current Coronavirus situation (or “global pandemic” depending on which type of conversation you’re engaged in).

Conversation 1

“This is all such bullshit. It’s way overblown. Do you know how many people die from the flu each year? Or in car accidents? We have a car accident epidemic. Why don’t we all self-quarantine and stop driving? Plus, I hear the flu is worse. Kids don’t even get sick if they get COVID. Did you read about Tom Hanks? He says it’s like a really bad cold. I’m not canceling my vacation. I’m still going to work. I had friends over. Everyone who died is, like, 70 and older”

Conversation 2

“Better to be safe than sorry. I’m worried about my parents and my aunt. I don’t think I’m going to let my kids have playdates and get-togethers. I wash my hands every 30-minutes, drink water every twenty minutes, and I wiped down every surface in my home. We’re only going out when absolutely necessary. I called my elderly neighbor and asked if I could get him some groceries and I left them on his porch. My boss gave us permission to work from home, so I’m going to. I’ve been watching the daily Presidential task-force press conference.”

And so we have a true, real-life, Schrodinger’s Cat scenario. Is society freaking out for no reason? Shouldn’t we have been washing our hands and practicing self-quarantine procedures every year when the flu hits? This is just common sense? And it’s spreading anyway, despite our best efforts. Or, is it spreading less than it would have if we hadn’t canceled school for three weeks? We’ll never know. 

If schools and universities didn’t shut down, wouldn’t it just be a bunch of sick kids all passing it around? Like every day of every school year? Again, we’ll never know. 

We also don’t know if it really will only be a danger to the elderly and those with compromised health. 

Hence, the Schrodinger’s Cat scenario where we’ll never know which reality we’re carrying out by our decisions.

 

Dad Stuff, Part 2: Journal Choices

I love journaling. I love a good journal. But not actually. Journaling stresses me out. I read about why it’s so great. Good for clearing the mind. Get the thoughts out of the brain and onto paper. I read how studies show people who journal report less stress. I saw an article about a family that found a box of their father’s old journals and they turned it into a book. They cried and laughed at learning more about their Dad than they ever knew while he was alive.

So. Much. Pressure.

Journal every day, they say. Don’t edit. Write for 20-minutes even if you don’t know what you want to write about.

If my kids looked at the current page of my journal they would see the following…

  • “Benefits Center and Cobra Benefits, (877) 784-2855”
  • “Marcy”
  • “HR4U”

If they flipped a page back they’d see a list of names (“Jay/Ken/Jeff”) and a random sequence of numbers (“421 457 621”). I don’t know what any of that means? Why, why, why did I use my journal to jot down random to-do’s?!?!?!

A page before that I began a journal entry with, “Stop reading books.” And above that I wrote, “I have this overwhelming feeling that my family is going to starve and we’re going to lose everything.”

Burn. This. Journal. Somewhere I’ve journaled, maybe more than once, that I think dinosaurs were actually alien cattle and they were dropped off on Earth to graze, and when the had eaten all the plant life, the aliens took their cattle to another planet with vegetation.

“Hey. We found Dad’s old journals.”  Four days later, “he never journaled about the people he murdered, but Dad obviously was a serial killer.”

Must. Start. A. New. Journal.

If my kids find the 11 journals I’ve been keeping since college, they’ll think their father was a lunatic. Maybe I am. Thanks, journaling.

And I can never decide what kinda journal I want. I like my current Moleskin. Two of my journals are composition books. I have a cool one (a third full) that’s leather bound and says “Seize the Day” on the cover. But now my friend Nick bought an old-timey journal that looks like it was found on a pirate ship. I think I want that. I’m sure I would journal less-crazy things if I had a journal that looked old. Right?

journal_5

journalMostly, I wish I had journals like Indiana Jones and his father, Sean Connery. They sketch things. They take notes and draw maps. They contain the secrets of the universe and God. The Joneses, and lots of people in movies with journals, remember things at important times and then furiously thumb through their journals to find what they wrote down and then frantically show other people and say things like, “see …Chester Copperpot …pieces of eight!!!  Eight is the number needed to make the flux capacitor work. Great Scott!!!”

Me? I can frantically show someone the number for Cobra Benefits should they ever quit a job and need super expensive health insurance.

GREAT SCOTT!

I’m nearing the last page of my Moleskin and I’ll need a new journal. This time, it’s going to look cool, be filled with interesting things ONLY, and maybe help my kids find buried treasure or the lost city of some ancient civilization. Dammit.

journal 2

Random Stuff, Part 1: History by Hollywood-Only

I’m a history buff. I rarely read fiction. I like reading about history. But who has the time?

I like watching movies.

So, a few months ago I decided to merge two things I love into a more efficient time management system and I decided I am only going to learn my history through Hollywood movies (and the occasional foreign movie). I will accept the inaccuracy and bias, willingly, and will treat the movie as fact. The actual people from history books are never as good-looking at the actors and actresses portraying them, historical things with don’t have dramatic musical scores, and for entertainment purposes, screenwriters, directors, and actors add things (including dialogue) to make history better.

I will, from now on, happily accept it all.

Last month, I watched The Report and I do not want to know how biased it is. If you want to convince me of something different, make a movie, please.

NOT how I want to learn stuff

I just watched Operation Finale, about Adolf Eichmann hiding out in Argentina and a group of special forces Israelis that snatched him out of Argentina and brought him back to Israel to stand trial and be executed. If I had wanted to learn about this in some other way than watching a two-hour movie, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I might not have even known about it at all (it’s embarrassing how little I actually know about stuff). I mean …just watch the trailer below!!! Who wouldn’t want to learn about history by watching Ben Kingsley deliver an emotional and pleading performance that invokes rage, sympathy, and horror in the viewer? In real life, there’s no way all of it went down like this movie shows it did. Who could ever know if one of his captors shaved him and gave him a cigarette? Some black and white stock footage and a historian being lit from the side and telling you about history is never going to be better than learning history from an Academy Award winner.

Next up on my History by Hollywood tour is…

  • Munich (Steven Spielberg)
  • Argo
  • Vice

Now …watch this trailer and learn a little something.

Lent, Part 1: Slow Start, Reboot

Here’s what I said I would do for Lent…

  1. Fast on Fridays. Meaning, after dinner on Thursday until Saturday breakfast, nothing but coffee, water, or tea. That’s about 35-40 hours of intermittent fasting. Catholics were doing this intermittent fasting thing way before it became trendy in 2019. It’s been two Fridays and I’ve done this.
  2. A decade of the Rosary each night with my son. Luckily, my son is far more disciplined than I am, so I’ve done this. I can’t lie. At least twice when he said, “want to go pray the Rosary,” I nearly said, “how about 2 decades tomorrow.” But I didn’t. Again. Catholics. Totally were onto something with the meditation thing when they invented the Rosary.
  3. Blog every day. Here’s day-1 (even though we’re 11 days into Lent).
  4. Exercise for 40-minutes every day (5 of 6 days …not too good).

yay_lent

I think if you put the above into a spreadsheet and analyzed the results, I’m having about a 55% success rate. Will I ever be valedictorian of Lent? No. Because even if, starting today, I consistently do everything above for the rest of Lent, I won’t get to 100% (unless I Blog twice in a day and exercise for 60-minutes and make up the gap, but that would require some really, really intense math …maybe I’ll ask my brainy son to work on that).

Here’s the point – if at first you don’t succeed …try, try again. Hmmm. I should write that down. I’m pretty sure I invented that quote. Life ain’t “all or nothing.” We should remember that. Nobody …and I mean nobodyis perfect. Even if they appear to be, it’s only what they want you to see.

Task complete. I Bloggded. I invented a quote about “trying” and “succeeding”. And I’m also gonna share that I’m obsessed with Alanis Morissette’s new song.

if-at-first-you-don-t-succeed-try-try-again

Writing Stuff, Part 1: Finally an Idea

Mark today on your calendar. Today is the day, after more than a decade of Blogging, that I’ve finally figured out what my Blog is gonna be and how I’m gonna organize it.

I’m into stuff. So my Blog is going to be about all the “stuff” I’m in to.

  • Coffee Stuff
  • Lung Stuff
  • Dad Stuff
    • Lawn Stuff
  • Sales Stuff
    • Motivational Stuff
  • Radio Stuff
  • Advertising Stuff
  • Organizing Stuff
  • Random Stuff
  • Podcast Stuff
  • Writing Stuff

And there’ll be other stuff.

Trust me, this is exciting stuff. I’m hopeful that someday it can be a lesson to my many friends who’ve started stuff, and then stopped doing stuff, that it’s OK.

Just because you wanted to be a novelist and never wrote a novel, well, it doesn’t mean you can’t do it now. Want to write a screenplay? Do it. Want to have a Podcast? Want to be a chef? Want to start a new job? Want to get in shape, exercise and be healthy?

Doesn’t matter when you start, or how many times you’ve started and stopped.

Start stuff.

Dad Stuff, Part 1: Eviction Notice

Welcome to a new category on the Blog …Dad Stuff.

Ours is a house divided. How? Gender-specific bathrooms (I know …not very “woke”). However it happened, the girls (Mom, teen-daughter #1, and teen-daughter #2) have the upstairs, remodeled, pretty bathroom, and the boys (Dad and teen-age son) have the less-pretty basement bathroom. The boy’s shower isn’t much to look at and looks dirty even when clean, but it does have the best shower head, great water pressure, and most of all …it has super-hot water. 

Teen-daughter #1 like to use the boy’s shower.

The boy’s shower, and bathroom, follows a minimalist’s vision. A single bar of soap for Dad. A single bottle of body wash for the boy. One bottle of shampoo for both. That’s it. Everything has its place. Nothing changes. We like it that way.

Teen-daughter brings multiple bottles of body wash, shave creams, various shampoos, a razor, more shampoo, and more body washes. The bottles are squeezed and contorted in such ways you would think they belong to King Kong. When teen-daughter leaves the bathroom, after very long showers, the bathroom is trashed. Bottles are strewn about the shower floor, some balanced precariously on the shower door rail, some in the rack (where they should go) and it takes Dad a few minutes to put everything away after teen-daughter wreaks havoc. 

Dad has warned her.

“We don’t mind you using our bathroom, but could you please take the various products back up to your bathroom when you are done? Or, at least, not leave so many laying on the floor?”

Teen-daughter ignores her pushover father. 

But no more.

I’ve now threatened to evict her from our bathroom. Enough is enough. We must return our shower to neatness and simpleness. We cannot have our boy-bathroom overrun and begin to smell like, and look like, a girl-bathroom.

Granted, the exfoliating foot wash is quite nice …but NO!

This will not stand. She has been warned.

img_8637

Plant-Based Stuff, Part 7: 7-Week Update

Like everyone who adopts a plant-based diet, I’m telling you all about it. I like to think I’m a little different because mine isn’t about weight loss, but mine is about eating a phlegm-free diet in order to help my lungs. I’m not doing it to save the planet or because I love animals. I’m doing it because when I eat shitty food, I get sick. And when I get sick, I cough and cough and cough …and cough because of my bronchiectasis.

For the record, I ate pepperoni pizza twice in the past week. I had regular butter a few times. I ate a crab cake sandwich on a thick, white-bread bun with fries. I ate every last French fry. I just did. Dipped it in ranch.

And then I stop.

Being plant-based 95% of the time for 7-weeks has reduced my cravings for greasy meaty stuff. Being plant-based takes practice. I’ve added a few recipes (like this vegan waffle recipe that I eat smothered in almond butter and strawberry fruit preserves). My downfall was always cravings I couldn’t control. I would tell myself, “Don. Just go get a Five Guys and all those fries and today will be your send-off. Your swan song. Enjoy the Five Guys and then …that’s it.”  I know junk-food leads to more junk-food. The adrenaline rush of a Five Guys burger and fries makes me want it again. The quick burst of happiness that comes when I buy 2 Jimmy John’s subs only makes me want it again.

It’s a mental battle every day, but when the chemical processes in my brain stop whispering to me, “hey, Don …eat that Five Guys …go get a Big Mac …drink that Pepsi over ice with a big bucket of popcorn and don’t forget the free refills …don’t worry …this is your moment of weakness, Don …tomorrow and every day forward you’re gonna be amazing.”

Those whispers, after 7-weeks of bullying myself, have started to whisper, “hey, Don …take 10 deep breaths …notice you didn’t cough or wheeze …didn’t you enjoy that deep sleep last night …make that smoothie with all the add-ins …do you enjoy how your clothes fit?”

It doesn’t happen overnight. The junk-food devil-on-my-shoulder didn’t want me to stick with this, but he’s talking to me alot less nowadays.

Bronchiectasis, Part 12

Writing this on January 25th. My 25th day of plant-based eating. Doing it because I want to stop …coughing. I’ve said for years that I can fix this Bronchiectasis thing if I really wanted to if I would just stop eating crappy foods. More to the point, if I stopped eating phlegm-producing foods (see my Blog entry on the ultimate phlegm-free diet).

I know what you’re saying … “hey, Don, I read your Blog for the mildly amusing stories that occasionally offer a bit of inspiration and don’t want to talk about phlegm.”

I hear ya. So here’s the lesson …if you’re going to do something, make a plan, do the research, and then follow the plan and remember the research. Like, at one point in my life I knew how to do Calculus and was damn good at it. I actually ENJOYED Calculus. But the last time I thought about Calculus was sophomore year of college (1993) and now, if you put me in a basic Calculus course, I would quite likely fail. Because I haven’t been doing it for 20+ years, don’t have my notes, and am not doing it every day, it’s all gone. Poof. My brain forgot it.

That’s how it is with the brief obsession I had with living a phlegm-free life. I researched it. Obsessed about it. Assumed I knew everything. And then just went about living a phlegm-free life, but since I didn’t refer back to my notes, I slowly forgot some basics. Like these two things…

  • Fruits: Lighter fruits, such as apples and pears, are better. Reduce sweet, heavy or sour fruits such as oranges, bananas, pineapples, figs, dates, avocados, coconuts, and melons, as these fruits increase mucus.
  • Nuts: Reduce all nuts as they are too oily.
  • Avoid overeating, especially at night.

Guess what I’ve been doing for the entire month of January? I’ve been eating 1 Cup or more of nuts EVERY DAY and I’ve been eating two oranges EVERY NIGHT. I should know better. Yet it seems I have about as much of a chance at passing a Calculus mid-term as I do living a life without phlegm, coughing, and wheezing because I’m not constantly practicing and improving.

I’m in sales for a living. I read a book a month. Follow sales and motivation Blogs and social media accounts, I watch things to keep me motivated and energized, and I am CONSTANTLY learning and adapting to the new sales and advertising things.

See what I’m getting at? I need to be constantly improving how I treat my body for this Bronchiectasis thing. Oh, for the record, I will NOT be trying to rekindle my passion for Calculus. Just sayin’.

So, if you’re a family member (or friend) who always worries about my breathing and coughing, this Blog entry is for you. I’m working on it. I know what I’m doing wrong and will fix it. If you’re stopping by because you accidentally found me while searching “phlegm”, “phlegm-free eating”, “Bronchiectasis”, “wheezing”, “breathing”, “lung health”, or “Calculus” …glad you found me. Read this Blog entry (that I also linked above) because if you apply the rules, you’ll breathe better and cough less.

And remember, never stop improving and learning and reviewing your progress in any part of your life that’s important to you.

 

Washing Machine, 3 Week Update

Remember how I was getting a new washing machine and was worried about (a) not having a center agitator, (b) having too many computerized features, and (c) getting a large capacity washer that would waste too much water?

Remember?

I’m here to tell you …I love this machine. The single, most-advanced item in my house is my LG washing machine. Even though I know the control panel is going to fail in 5-years and I’ll be paying for repairs, right now, this thing is amazing. Read More